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Joke of the Day

"People who put ""Retired"" on their Linked In acct: I'm not certain you've grasped the site."

"Just got a fancy new bathroom scale that tells you what percentage pizza you are."

"There was a sixth Spice Girl named Pumpkin Spice but she only sang about Uggs and Instagram."

"I have a friend visiting from out of town. What's your fave place in LA to look at your phone??"

"[At make-up counter] But does this lipstick come off of a taint?"

"My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate."

"What's the difference between a fridge and a woman? A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out"

"What are the three rings of marriage? The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and then the suffering"

"At a job interview ""What are your strengths?"" ""I'm an optimist and a positive thinker"" ""Can you give me an example?"" ""Yes, when do I start?"""

"About women... There's only 1 word beginning with B you should ever call a woman, and that's ""beautiful"" - bitches fucking love being called beautiful."