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Joke of the Day

"Some people have trouble sleeping... ...but I can do it with my eyes closed..."

"Did you hear about the live performance about the dictionary? I heard it was a play on words."

"ME: these gummy bears are delicious WIFE: those are daily vitamins ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can't find the remote"

"[Couples counseling] ""It's not good to keep these things bottles up, you know"" Okay, fine *opens jar of wasps*"

"Why did butcher and doctor both have go to same bar? meat cleaver or outside they both drink bar alcohol. Then doctor said ""what about the other guy"" (Other guy is guy who is meat)"

"How do you spell Canada in Canadian? C EH N EH D EH"

"If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop."

"Working on a theory that Johnny Depp died shortly after The Rum Diary and filthy scarves and wigs are simply wheeled onto movie sets now"

"I think all crime scenes should be photographed on Instagram."

"Donald Trump has a new plan for solving the conflict of interest of him owning his business empire and being President He's going to put America into a blind trust."