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Joke of the Day

"Working on a theory that Johnny Depp died shortly after The Rum Diary and filthy scarves and wigs are simply wheeled onto movie sets now"

"I thought I saw The Hamburglar on the street but it was just some other hamburglar"

"*Will smith is alone in his corner, depressed* ""Won't Smith,"" he whispers"

"[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up] Ugh, first world problems."

"What's the difference between Jelly and Jam? I can't jelly my cock down your throat"

"At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I'm forty. I have one."

"People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are! Criminals: I'll need 3 rolls of duct tape."

"Bears think if you're lying down motionless, you're dead. So every day, the first bear to wake up thinks its entire family is dead. Tragic."

"Japanese gardener gets tired of being bossed around by homeowner You think he say ""Leaf me alone"", but he say ""Fuck you, homeowner, fuck you..."""

"*opens present HER: What is this? ME: It's The One Ring. I fought orcs for it. HER: They didn't have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?"