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Joke of the Day

"Never trust an atom. Actually, it's probably fine. They only make up about 4% of everything."

"Girls: just remember each morning when you put on makeup, somewhere in the world a clown is starting his day doing exactly the same thing."

"Y'all notice how Tumblr is full of people blogging about guns? Seems like every other blog has a 'Trigger Warning.'"

"*watches you carefully arrange the piles of paperwork on your desk *waits for you to finish *sets fan to ""oscillate"""

"Why didn't Frodo hide the ring up his ass? Because Sam would disappear."

"You show me a piano falling down,a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat miner."

"Me: Yeah man, got her right where I want her Bartender: Oh yeah? Me: Yup, sitting at home while the cable man works on th ::rushes home::"

"What kind of ideas do blind people get? Brailleant ones. Sauce: Am blind."

"What if we've got it backwards? Maybe mustaches have a thing for pedophiles."

"What's the difference between fish and meat? If you beat your fish, it will die."