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Joke of the Day

"Girls: just remember each morning when you put on makeup, somewhere in the world a clown is starting his day doing exactly the same thing."

"If I heard Matthew McConaughey only drank water out of a garden hose attached to the side of his house, I'd totally believe it."

"Day 1 of being kidnapped. Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back. Husband is asking for more money."

"What kind of bird lays electric eggs ? A battery hen !"

"Apparently 1 in 5 of us live next to a paedophile.. Not me though, I live next to a gorgeous 8 year old."

"While having an all-out war with underwater warships, I accidentally hit one of my teammates. Oops wrong sub."

"I haven't seen my son in months One day a boy come home looking exactly like him but he said he was hungry. Son I don't know who this hungry guy is but I miss you, please come home. -Dad"

"What do you call an alligator in a vest? Investigator!"

"How do you make a dead baby float? One glass of rootbeer and two scoops of dead baby."

"Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list"