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Joke of the Day

"My wife's been missing for two weeks and the police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the Goodwill and got her clothes back."

"Took a while, but I finally found the perfect background pic to update my desktop with. So yeah, totally carpe'd the shit out of this diem."

"My Ex told me I overanalyse things... I'd believe her but she uses that excuse 19.3% of the time."

"At grandma's. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, ""Look who's finally up. We thought you were dead!"""

"OMG I love you You're the best You left me Did you bring me stuff OMG Anything I don't care Where have you been I smell someone else -Dogs"

"Clean - What do you do if you see a spaceman? Park your car man :) - Classic!"

"If God is your co-pilot - swap seats."

"Somewhere in Africa... a bunch of orphans are about to be running around in confederate flag shirts."

"why are the new york jets like hillary clinton? both have Bills to push around"

"What is black, white, and red all over? The Ferguson riots"