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Joke of the Day

"We have great news. We're pregnant! -Awesome! Do u know the sex yet? Of course we know 'the sex'. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?"

"Why did Hugh Glass go to the doctor? Because he felt grizzly after months of unbearable pain."

"""This won't end well, mark my words. Mark, my words. MARK. MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!"" *Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*"

"""Daddy, how do stars die?"" ""Drugs, normally."""

"Why is Phoenix such a great lawyer? Because he's ""Wright"" all the time."

"I love going to the park and watch the kids run and scream But they don't know I'm just using blanks"

"Donald Duck has been hanged... ...And is now in a state of suspended animation."

"A reddit admin awoke to the sound of a beeping alarm clock but pressed the snoo's button and went back to sleep"

"The trouble with cops is if one's a douchebag you can't ask to speak to a manager."

"007 then and now 007 then: Shaken not stirred. 007 now: Trimmed not shaved."