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Joke of the Day

"[steps off crosstrainer] ""Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I'm fitn--"" ""Shall I call an ambulance?"" ""Please."""

"I'm not saying she's a slut, but she's been banged more than a snooze button on Monday morning."

"[god, creating chickens] Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don't care"

"Why do melons tend to have large weddings? They cantaloupe"

"Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens."

"I wear the pants in this family. It's so embarrassing when I go to Olive Garden, and the rest of my family is naked from the waist down."

"Sleep tight! Your brain is a billion times more complex than your laptop. And laptops break all the time."

"Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning! *scratches Judy's back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers* Judy: Hi!!! How are y..... Me: *walks away*"

"Why did Burger King and Dairy Queen have a baby? Because Burger King forgot to wrap up his Whopper"

"Remember folks, beauty... Is only a light switch away."