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Joke of the Day

"If I could be any X-Men I think I'd pick Professor X. Don't really care about the mind-reading stuff I just hate walking."

"[announcement over PA at work] ""FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM"" *I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone's eyeglasses*"

"How did the blind girl accidentally get pregnant? As careful as she tried to be, she could never have seen him coming"

"I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I'm scared, but my zipper is broken and I've had too much botox on one side."

"How do you sink a Polish battleship? Put it in water"

"My girlfriend and I have rough sex. It's not violent, it's just poorly defined."

"I got a new job working in an underwear factory I'll be pulling down 800 a week"

"What do Germans say when you show them a meme? Danke."

"This soup tastes funny Customer: Waiter, this soup tastes funny. Waiter: Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?"

"I track my calories religiously every day. First they are on my plate and then I put them in my mouth"