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Joke of the Day

"Did you hear the one about the guy who got his left side cut off? He's all right now."

"Mom: You're a son of a bitch! Son: That makes you a bitch! Mom: You sure? *This is the story of how I found out I was adopted*"

"A history professor was given a boring lecture about Russian dictators Finally, an exasperated student exclaimed,""stop, you're putin me to sleep"""

"The dishwasher is making weird noises. Probably because she's outside chopping firewood."

"Q: What did the candle say when he was down on his luck? A: I'm at wick's end."

"Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black"

"If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book."

"did you know that protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic!"

"MAGICIAN: think of a card! ME: ok. MAGICIAN: is... this ur card? [holds up card that says ""UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP""] ME: holy crap"

"You get to sleep all day, cat, that's why I get the good food."