169379

Joke of the Day

"If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book."

"I went to a library... and asked the librarian if they had a book on Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat. She said, ""Well it rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's there or not."""

"Just converted my savings to pesos and HOLY SHIT am I rich!!!!!!!!"

"I don't have a drinking problem, if anything I'm too damn good at it."

"What's the difference between an airplane and an abortion? Only one doesn't fly after coming into contact with a hanger"

"If you traded your windowless van for an ice cream truck or a big red sleigh you would triple your child kidnappings."

"You think it's difficult to plug one nostril and blow out the other? It's snot rocket science."

"Why did the chicken cross the road? Well, he didn't get across, but he made it to the other side."

"Pro tip: Before you tell her that you love her, make sure you're not horny, drunk, lonely, desperate, sad, angry, bored or hungry."

"Bob Ross and Mr. Rogers fight for nicest person ever. Who wins? They both share the trophy"