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Joke of the Day

"DROWNING LAWYER Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A: Shoot him before he hits the water."

"What is 6 afraid of 7? Because size matters."

"""Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in"" *Drives ex-son to homeless shelter"

"[fire] EVERYONE REMAIN CALM. Use the stairs. DO NOT use the elevators. We're on the 12th floor... *sigh* I guess I'm dying in a fire."

"How do you know you have a high sperm count? She has to chew."

"I'm currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday."

"What do you call an Italian romance novel model who's let himself go? Flabio"

"At the gun range I was at the gun range the other night with a friend. Friend: ""Aren't you going to wear ear protection while we're shooting?"" Me: ""Nah, my hearing's already shot."""

"This girl's skinny jeans are so Goddamn tight, I think I finally know what a Pancreas looks like."

"On a Scale of 1 to 10, How Obsessed am I with Harry Potter? 9 3/4 *Credit goes to a tee shirt I saw. I'm not that witty.*"