150286

Joke of the Day

"BREAKING NEWS: A man breaks two ribs while laying in bed! ...and we'll return after this short commercial with more on how a man attempted to suck his own penis!"

"How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One or two? One.. ..Or two?"

"The worst part of a photographic memory is keeping all the negatives."

"GF told me she wanted to write her ""biography"" & I said ""autobiography"" & now there's a chapter where I sleep at my place."

"[getting murdered] Me: ""Could you please stop for a second?"" *gives murderer a Snickers"

"Me: Hi Kid: M: Still? It's been a week K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE! M: You didn't die. Calm down."

"Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS."

"You know what's sad? 3 of my team members dying of drinking poison and the last dying of a fractured neck because he didn't drink the poison"

"If you factor in ""supply and demand""... she DOES NOT want the D. There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D."

"What do you call a judge that doesn't have any fingers? Justice Thumbs"