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Joke of the Day

"[tv interview] I'm with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you? [cut to Amy crying] MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY"

"I overheard my wife singing in the shower. ""You should go on America's Got Talent,"" I told her. ""I can't sing,"" she replied. I said, ""Exactly."""

"What is tangled rope in space called? Astro-knot"

"What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? (NSFW) At least a zit waits you're a teenage boy before it cums on your face."

"A study showed that more women have vibrators than husbands. Just to play it safe, I'm teaching my penis to vibrate."

"I finally figured out the problem with our firewall last night. It was a real breakthrough! //Actually used that this morning. Manager did not notice, I did not explain."

"If you don't have anything nice to say I would probably enjoy spending time with you"

"Why did the boy take the ruler to bed? He wanted to see how long he slept."

"diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don't wear any."

"I'm so sorry What would you call the Islamic State if they tried to take over Antarctica? Ice-is I'll show myself out."