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Joke of the Day

"His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already... Woman: Did you just quote Eminem? Doctor: Your husband's alcohol poisoning is not a joke, madam!"

"Me: You ask so many questions that I want to stab a fork in my eye. Her: Why? Me: *stabs fork into eye*"

"the chinese food place by my work is dangerously close to being added to my 'never again' list after finding a human tooth in my food"

"How do we know that the toothbrush was invented in Mississippi? Because anywhere else it would've been called the teethbrush"

"How do you tell a transgender from a real woman? The quality of the sandwich."

"*points w/ middle finger* ""Sure, take this road for about another mile, pull over & go ask someone else"" - Me giving directions."

"""Can I replace the fries with a salad?"" = ""Do you mind if I spit on the American flag?"""

"My initial goal is to get really, really fat and be a contestant on The Biggest Loser."

"Apple vs Windows If apple made a car would it have windows?"

"My girlfriend broke up with me after I said she's half the person I am... I weigh 240 pounds, not sure why she got so mad."