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Joke of the Day

"Everyday I get at least 3 people who follow me and then immediately delete their accounts. proposed theory: My tweets kill people."

"Wearing crocs is like getting your dick sucked by a man. Feels great and then you look down and realize you're gay."

"You know... When someone says to you ""Jesus loves you."" It's always comforting. Unless you are in a Mexican jail."

"[working at Bed Bath & Beyond] ME: Hi there, may I help you? What are you looking for? CUSTOMER: Shower head. ME: Sir, please, we just met."

"A man shows up to his psychiatrist completely naked but covered with saran wrap... Psychiatrist says, ""I can clearly see you're nuts!"""

"How do you fit 15 Jews into a car? 2 in the front,3 in the back,and the rest in the ash tray."

"What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Tennish."

"Currently working on an app for lonely people called ""Words With Cats""."

"What building has the most stories to tell? The library."

"Me: excuse me, but I can't taste the alcohol Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here. Me: YOU SHOULDN'T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!"