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Joke of the Day

"A book never written: ""Secret Societies"" by E. Lumin Audi"

"That awkward moment when your stormtrooper army loses a battle to a bunch of teddy bears with sticks and stones."

"mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren't being eaten. So. I guess it's probably horrified-screaming my language."

"My doctor diagnosed me with premature ejaculation and diarrhea. I feel like I'm always coming and going."

"Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money? Like they do now... Holy shit."

"To ensure my wife misses me while I'm away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight."

"Signs a Woman Likes You: 1. Eye contact 2. Twirls her hair 3. Laughs at your jokes 4. Follows you 5. Keys your car 6. Kills you"

"You shouldn't be ashamed of yourself That's your parents job."

"First monster: That pretty girl over there just rolled her eyes at me. Second monster: Well you'd better roll them back to her she might need them."

"The hot chick I hooked up with last night must be a Berny Sanders fan... Because when I went to go pee, I could feel the burn."