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Joke of the Day

"My doctor diagnosed me with premature ejaculation and diarrhea. I feel like I'm always coming and going."

"A german tourist. A german tourist arrives at Warsaw airport. The immigration office asks: 'Occupation?''. The german responds: 'No, just holiday''"

"I'm always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass."

"Q: What do you give a sick bird? A: Tweetment."

"What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I wouldn't let a garbanzo bean on my face"

"Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over? *lies on floor, closes eyes tight* (in customer service line at Walmart)"

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming like the passengers in his car."

"what do you call fake spaghetti? impasta."

"I'm not one to brag about my financial skills, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding. ~ Rob DenBleyker (Cyanide & Happiness)"

"I love everybody. Even you, insecure person reading this hoping someone loves you ... even you."