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Joke of the Day

"The hot chick I hooked up with last night must be a Berny Sanders fan... Because when I went to go pee, I could feel the burn."

"I have a rude joke about Canadians! Sorry?"

"Life is like a penis Simple, soft, straight, relaxed, and hanging freely. Then women make it hard."

"I made homemade soup with the immersion blender, mostly so that I have something to talk about for the next five days."

"Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field? The pot was calling the cattle back"

"*Runs a bath Me: ok, jump in 3: it's too hot *Adds cold water Me: Ok, get in 3: it's too cold Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks."

"""How would you describe the woman who attacked you?"" *Describes mother* *Gets a copy of picture* *Gives it to mum as late birthday present*"

"What do you get when you cross a cartoon character and a Communist? Mickey Mao."

"Wow if I squint through the tears I look pretty thin!"

"Whenever I see a teenager, I can't help thinking"" holy shit"" was I really THAT fucking stupid once?"