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Joke of the Day

"*beats a guitar hero song on expert mode* *changes Twitter bio to ""musician/songwriter""*"

"What do you call a wind that never gusts? Disgusting. I'll see myself out..."

"If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes."

"Nice cargo shorts. You may want to dial back that awesome a little. Not really sure how much I can take."

"I'm thinking about selling my vacuum cleaner... ... All it does is collect dust."

"9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she's so cute and at her dad's I went with all of it!"

"Just because we have the same last name doesn't mean we have to be Facebook friends, Dad."

"It's 1942, Berlin. A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The priest walks out."

"I tried to order a Vietnamese sandwich at a restaurant today while I was walking around topless... The staff refused to serve me, and threatened to bahn mi if I came in without a shirt again."

"I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in 5 minutes. It's about Russia."