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Joke of the Day

"Why do Scottish men watch porno movies backwards? Because they like the scenes where the prostitutes return the money to their clients."

"What do Monica Lewinsky and a vending machine have in common? They both say insert Bill"

"Her: I heard your sister went to the US. Me: Yeah she did. Her: Which state? Me: Alaska. Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me."

"How did the mathematician get rid of his constipation? He worked it out with a pencil."

"I used to care... what people in the adjacent bathroom stalls thought of me, but now, I don't give a shit"

"[At the coroners' to identify a body] Me: ""Yep. That's a body all right."""

"There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot."

"If others are jealous, you're doing something right."

"Diner: Waitress the portions are getting smaller. Waiter: It's just an optical illusion. It's just that the restaurant has been enlarged."

"COP: Can you describe your attacker? ME: No COP: Didn't you see him? ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives"