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Joke of the Day

"I used to care... what people in the adjacent bathroom stalls thought of me, but now, I don't give a shit"

"A first grade teacher asks her students, ""What comes after 69?"" One student responds, ""Mouthwash"""

"The one good thing about having a kid with Zika virus... even if he achieves major success in life, he'll never get a big head."

"What is a junkies favorite drink? Hepsi"

"I keep my monocle freshly waxed so it easily slips out of my eye socket and falls into my cup of tea whenever I'm shocked by your behavior."

"You know all that confetti that fell at the end of the DNC. I heard it was made up of the 30,000 missing e-mails."

"I'm in shape. Round is a shape isn't it"

"I'm not saying I'm an idiot... But if some village comes looking...tell them you never saw me."

"Whenever I shoot something into the trash, I yell ""Kobe!"" But then, my friend follows up by yelling ""Jack!"" I don't get what he's trying to say, but he sure is acting cheesy."

"What's the difference between finding $50 and anal sex? One will make your day, the other will make your hole weak."