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Joke of the Day

"I wonder if the prince was suspicious when Snow White's first baby was born a dwarf."

"What has two legs but can't walk? A dead duck."

"What computer monitor sings the best? A Dell."

"[dumps gatorade on coach after losing the big game] we know how much you hate gatorade you piece of shit"

"Never be ashamed of yourself. That's your parents job."

"I've been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There's a really good article I think he should see"

"Did you ask her out? Yes. And? She only dates guys named Matt. Cause she likes to walk all over them? No, tattoo she can't afford to remove."

"What do you take before every meal? A seat."

"Don't assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter."

"My girlfriend, concerned, asked me if I'm an alcoholic. I said ""Of course not sweetie."" ""Alcoholics go to meetings."""