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Joke of the Day

"My New Year's Resolution is to start smoking I already smoke and am trying to stop; this way I guarantee I'll have quit by mid-February"

"Did you see how nervous C-3PO was in the new movie? I mean he did seem a little red"

"What do you get when you cross reddit and a weekend? No new messages."

"I have a new Obama joke, but... not many people approve."

"[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed] in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete ""can owls fly"" before mom sees it"

"What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? ""See you next month!"""

"My girlfriend got so mad she battered me with some vegetables. She has a terrible tempura."

"Mary had a little lamb. The doctor fainted."

"Every night, I take all of the singles out of my wallet, spread them on the bed, and pretend I was pretty that day."

"Tom Brady is a clever mastermind He learned from another great American hero named Tom and convinced Bill Belichick to whitewash his offenses."