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Joke of the Day

"[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed] in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete ""can owls fly"" before mom sees it"

"A bird in the hand is worth nothing and is probably giving you duck AIDS. Put it back."

"I asked a librarian for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat... She said it rang a bell but she didn't know if it was there or not."

"What's that worthless little piece of skin around the vagina called? The woman."

"Learning how to say ""where the hell am I?"" in eight languages. Just in case."

"Parents that tell u ""it's just a little noise"" when their kid cries on a train are the same ones who knock on ur door when the music is loud"

"Why doesn't an old man ever go down on his old wife? Ever opened a grilled-cheese sandwich?"

"Madonna goes on her arse, To much Material Girl .."

"What happens when a midget smokes weed? He gets medium."

"You're more useless than a..."