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Joke of the Day

"[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed] in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete ""can owls fly"" before mom sees it"

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"So impolite of people to sneak up on you while you're talking shit about them."
"[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge [CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my ""secretly move in with her"" plan"
"What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use lubricant."
"""You're not gonna get a quote out of me."" - Donald J. Trump ""Wrong."" - Donald J. Trump"
"You know your girlfriend is fat when... When she fits into your wife's cloths."
"Babies are the two extremes on the spectrum of smell. They either smell like heaven filled with lollipops or a microwaved porta-potty."
"I saw a person with a backpack and a messenger bag. Talk about some serious baggage."
"When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul."
"Two young men walk into a bar I dont know what happened then I was outside"