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Joke of the Day

"What did the erotic novel author get from his editor? Sticky notes. What did he get from his publisher? A hard copy."

"What do you call an epileptic in the garden? Seizure salad"

"[giving grandmother's eulogy] But on the plus side, that's the fastest she ever got down the stairs."

"They're going to start playing porn at the fuel pumps.... This is so you can watch someone else being fucked at the same time as you."

"I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees."

"In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds. How is that person still alive?"

"You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts."

"Whats the worst thing you can do to a blind man? Leave the plunger in the toilet"

"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't"

"My sexuality is like classic literature. There's not really any action, and most people are just confused by it."