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Joke of the Day

"[giving grandmother's eulogy] But on the plus side, that's the fastest she ever got down the stairs."

"Why did the scarecrow get promoted? He was outstanding in his field."

"I heard the kid who fell into the gorilla pit was actually trying to get the jewelry his mother dropped. He didn't get the gold but he got the silver back."

"The Seventh Sense: ""I can smell dead people."""

"How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? That's not funny."

"He asked: how do you feel about sex? She replied: Well i like it infrequently. He said: is that one word or two?"

"My ex-wife still misses me... But her aim is getting better"

"Am I capable of premeditated murder? Your honor, I've been planning my cheat day for two weeks."

"To the cars honking behind me, Sorry I held up the drive thru line for 5 minutes counting to make sure I got all 50 of my McNuggets"

"What is the easiest way to kill a gaggle of black men? Tie watermelons to the bottom of a lake"