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Joke of the Day

"""You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!"" But we're in love! ""It is forbidden!"" *whale elopes with submarine*"

"Police Chief: Why did you arrest that doctor? Officer: He was trying to take someone's pulse."

"Dog's Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today... He just yelled at me."

"Why don't kleptomaniacs get puns? Because they always take things literally."

"Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless."

"The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing"

"What's the difference between a dead cat and a dead lawyer on the road? The dead cat has skid marks around it."

"Everybody who has played Russian Roulette will tell you it's safe. Well, at least 5/6 people will."

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years? I don't know. I don't have 2020 Vision."

"What do you call a Muslim Flying an airplane A pilot"