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Joke of the Day

"If I was a bodybuilder I would slather up with grease and slide to work instead of driving to save money."

"Russian history in 5 words: ""And then things got worse."""

"I don't know what base that was, but thank you TSA."

"Your ass must get jealous of all the crap that comes out of your mouth!"

"How to fix something: -Say ""let's have a look"" -Describe the brokenness -Break it a bit more -Say ""nah it's broken"" -Place hands on hips"

"INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in? ME: What do you mean ""if"" Harry Potter was real?"

"""Daddy, are vampires real?"" ""No, sweetie. Go back to bed."" *waits until daughter is asleep* *grabs red Sharpie* *draws 2 dots on her neck*"

"Whats the perfect place to hide a body on the internet? The second page of a youtube search."

"I think I just figured out the name of the modern day Thieves Guild. EA"

"If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they'd shower more and fart less."