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Joke of the Day

"""Daddy, are vampires real?"" ""No, sweetie. Go back to bed."" *waits until daughter is asleep* *grabs red Sharpie* *draws 2 dots on her neck*"

"Don't you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven't hithered in years."

"My 9 year old son - ""If I ever get Bieber fever, just let the fever kill me."""

"Why do fish swim in salt water? Because pepper would make them sneeze."

"I've heard that students in Death Valley get terrible grades. They never get above C level."

"Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful Me: Flies away"

"My old Mum used to say, ""Always give your food a good rinse before you eat it."" Lovely woman, terrible sandwiches."

"Where did the poor Italian man grow up? The spaghetto"

"Totally Original Joke What do you get when you cross a bulldog and a maltese shih tzu? An abortion."

"What do you call your wife's sisters husband? An asshole, for marrying the hot sister"