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Joke of the Day

"In retrospect, when you look back at your own tweets, you cannot help but think how narcissistic you sound."

"What do you get when you cross Batman with Mountain Dew? Dew diligance"

"I just saw a guy running a race and masturbating at the same time. I wonder what place he'll come in."

"Husband:-""So when you starting back at the gym""? Me:-""Why""? H:-""Because you need to"" His funeral takes place next week."

"Girls with huge boobs will never know if they're really interesting."

"The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket."

"What do you get when you cross a mosquito and a mountain climber? Nothing, you can't cross a vector and a scalar."

"When you see geese flying to warmer a climate ever wonder why one side of the V is longer? It's because that side has more geese."

"What lives in the sea and yells? A clam shouter."

"I'm in so much trouble. My twitter crush found out about my boyfriend and now they're both on their way to tell my husbands."