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Joke of the Day

"Did you know love doesn't matter? It doesn't have mass and doesn't occupy space."

"I just became a proud dad today... My son is actually four but he was a boring little cunt for the first three years."

"My father reminds me of Jesus Christ. Not that he resembles him or anything. Its just that he left, said he was gonna come back, and never did."

"LEGAL JARGON! Q: What did the Lawyer say to the lesbian? A: One slip of the tongue and you will be in s**t!"

"People often say to me... ""What are you doing in my garden?"""

"GF told me she wanted to write her ""biography"" & I said ""autobiography"" & now there's a chapter where I sleep at my place."

"If a Facebook video says ""you won't believe what happens next"" then I replace ""believe"" with ""care"""

"MARRIAGE PROPOSAL TIP: Get down on 1 knee. Ok, now the other. Great! Lie flat on your face. Quickly roll away don't get married you idiot."

"Want to feel old? Tsar Simeon I of Bulgaria would be 1,150 years old today!"

"Ask a man if he's critiquing your work... Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you. Single Men say: Yes Married Men: Try to hide"