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Joke of the Day

"My father reminds me of Jesus Christ. Not that he resembles him or anything. Its just that he left, said he was gonna come back, and never did."

"Why is Peter Pan always flying around? Because he can never never land"

"I managed to lose 245lbs of unsightly flesh... Divorced the wife."

"After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I've successfully installed Java. He hates me."

"I wish I was from Finland so when people asked if I was Finnish I could say ""no, in fact, I'm just getting started"""

"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so."

"I don't feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me."

"What I hate about pasta is how they change the shape and act like it's a different food. I'm out to expose the fraud."

"My gf is like the square root of negative one hundred She's a perfect ten but imaginary"

"A woman walks into a bar... And the bartender says, ""What'll it be, love?"" The woman replies, ""I'll take a double entendre."" So he gave it to her."