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Joke of the Day

"How many people do the cops need to kill in order to start a riot? 3/5ths"

"[commercial for mops] *scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor* ""There has to be a better way"" Narrator:MOPS"

"I'll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I've felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower."

"Family tree Your family tree is a cactus, because everyone on it is a prick."

"Justin Bieber.... I have recently changed the sound of my alarm clock to ""Justin Bieber - Baby"". Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day, so I don't have to listen to it."

"I went to an 'Army Style training day'... I don't feel any fitter but my boots and bed look immaculate."

"Given the American diet, don't you think we'd have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?"

"I was going to work this morning and sat across from a really hot Thai girl on the train. I kept blushing and sweating and thinking ""Please don't get a hard-on"". But she did."

"MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent. Mittens, if you're reading this, please come home."

"The grammar teacher said ""In English, two negatives make an affirmative, but two affirmatives never make a negative."" A student replied... ""Yeah, right!"""