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Joke of the Day

"I was going to work this morning and sat across from a really hot Thai girl on the train. I kept blushing and sweating and thinking ""Please don't get a hard-on"". But she did."

"So Brad Pitt is being investigated for child abuse after yelling at his kids on a flight. Better send my mum to the electric chair then."

"When is a door not a door When it's ajar"

"What's the difference between Britain and Australia? When one votes, it changes something, making things worse. When another votes, it doesn't change anything, making things worse."

"Police vs Driver Police officer: ""Can you identify yourself, sir?"" Driver pulls out his mirror and says: ""Yes, it's me."""

"""You're getting an MFA in English? Wasn't your Bachelor's useless enough for you?"" -second degree burn"

"Why are knives always the funniest students at utensil school? Because they're the class cut-ups."

"You might want to read all of my tweets... so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better."

"I dreamt I was in a very magical world where people didn't get butthurt over every little f*cking joke. Weird huh?!?!"

"If a tree falls in the forest does it make a sound? No. The universe uses lossy compression."