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Joke of the Day

"""I'M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!"" (Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)"

"Me: It's been 3 years, but I'm finally making progress on my book. Friend: You're writing a book? Me: No. I meant the book I'm reading."

"It's 2011, microwaves should have one button that says Cook Shit."

"Help me Obi Wan Kenobi. You're my only Never mind. Batman's here."

"I was leaving the golf course yesterday... when I ran into a guy whose face was all scratched up. I was like ""holy shit man your face is all bloody, are you ok?"" ""Yeah, but I just blew an eagle on 18"

"That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, ""my shirt smells like you"" & you misspell shirt"

"There's two things I don't fuck with... Rattlesnakes. And Condoms."

"they say 98% of fat people can be good looking if they lose weight, but 99% of them don't...when I became that 1%, i realized i was that 2%"

"There's no woman in the world more beautiful than the one lying next to you...............at that time "

"I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like: "" I'm tired ."" ""I'm washing my hair."" ""I've got a headache."" ""I am your sister-in-law."""