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Joke of the Day

"Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry."

"There's a strong correlation between the amount of pre-made holes in a guy's jeans & his level of douchiness."

"What kind of chemical bond is Hispanic? An Ester Bond"

"Why is imgur down? It was over *cat*pacity."

"[dad accidentally steps on the dog] I'm sorry girl, I didn't see you. Are you ok? [dad accidentally steps on me] Why are you on the floor?!"

"What do you get when you goose a ghost? A handful of sheet."

"I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something."

"[Therapist's office] Husband: She takes everything, literally T: What do you mean? *Me walking out the door w/ the floor lamp I'm stealing*"

"I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologize to the man at the next urinal."

"Driving back from funeral yesterday: Stairway To Heaven *click* Tears In Heaven *click* Highway To Hell *click* Macarena! *leaves it*"