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Joke of the Day

"[dad accidentally steps on the dog] I'm sorry girl, I didn't see you. Are you ok? [dad accidentally steps on me] Why are you on the floor?!"

"Tossed and turned all night. I gotta stop moisturizing with salad dressing."

"Me: I have a date tonight. Friend: A guy coming over to install cable isn't a date. Me: *frowns* But I got a cheese platter...."

"A man was sitting in the electric chair. The executioner said ""Look I'm sorry but I'm going to have to throw the switch in a minute."" The man said ""Do me a favor and throw it out the window!"""

"""what do we want?"" ""faster Internet!"" ""when do we want it?"". Loading..."

"Writing a chemistry exam tomorrow Learned that I can't trust atoms...they make up everything :p"

"Now we're going to say some shit to scare old people. -the local news"

"I don't need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands. :/"

"My Halloween costume this year: I'm gonna get drunk and make a space suit out of Bud Light boxes. When people ask who I'm supposed to be, I'll respond, ""I'm Buzzed Lightbeer!"""

"What actor touches every girl on set? David Cop-a-feel"