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Joke of the Day

"My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands."

"You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg."

"Yeah, no, I don't have a FitBit. I'm pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don't need like bells and alarms and stuff."

"Why don't women tip bartenders? They don't give a tip because they take the tip."

"i'm working on a porn filtering app that would show only vanilla porn... but I can't work out the kinks"

"I bet... ... you clicked here."

"'Pop Goes The Weasel' is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals."

"I never get my idioms mixed up and you can take that to the bank and smoke it"

"How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers"

"I'm only drinking two beers. Because I have self control and two beers"