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Joke of the Day

"You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg."

"Marvin Gaye's Last Day on Earth Marvin (holding present): Happy Birthday Dad!!! Dad: Marvin, if this is another tie, I'm gonna kill you."

"I went to my dad and asked him... Me: hey dad will you watch a movie I'm going to cast in Dad : no Me: why? Dad: I don't watch porn"

"[lost in Spain] Wife: ask that man where we are Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias Wife: well? Me: we are in Spain"

"How many Pao's does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Fuck you."

"[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden] ""Now grow to be a restaurant"""

"Bjork is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table."

"Where's my cell? ""Right there."" That's not my phone. ""Yes it is. I cleaned it!"" My cell's white?"

"What do you call a german tampon? A twatstika....buh dum chh!"

"Did you hear about the two peanuts that got lost in the bad neighborhood last night? One was assulated, the other was shelled."