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Joke of the Day

"Did you know gullible came from ancient Greek? The prefix 'gulli' meaning 'believing' and the suffix 'ble' meaning 'ble-shit'."

"Do you ever smoke after sex? I don't know, I never look."

"Everyone is unique. Except you. You are not unique. You are the only not unique person in human history."

"Jared from subway lost his job the same way he got it. By getting into smaller pants."

"I'm the best at procrastinating.. Or the worst. Maybe I'll decide tomorrow"

"I started calling my wife ""Zika""... ...so that I could just get a little head, baby."

"My grandfather once told me, ""Your generation is too reliant on technology."" So I replied, ""No, *your* generation is too reliant on technology!"" Then I disconnected his life support."

"Why people use Twitter: because updating 100 times a day on Facebook is not socially acceptable."

"My wife broke her SatNav and wants $150 for a new one. She can get lost."

"*wakes up early* *goes for morning jog* *calls wife to pick him up because he's made a terrible mistake*"