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Joke of the Day

"What's blue and tacky? Smurf shit"

"Do you know what happened in the bathroom? Me either, but I heard a lot of shit going down."

"*as girl walks in* 98, 99, *grunts* 100 ""Wow, push-ups?"" Uhm, no? Just learning to count."

"When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT."

"*reads menu for reasonable amount of time ""I'll take the food."""

"You know how birds fly in a V and sometimes one side is longer than the other? You know why that is? It's because there are more birds on that side."

"Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside Wife: What's wron- Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE [a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]"

"What's a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging."

"2 gay guys and 2 lesbians are Going to the beach. Who gets there first? The gay guys because they packed their shit the night before."

"What's black and never works? Decaffeinated coffee you racist fuck."