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Joke of the Day

"You guys have been the worst hostages I've ever used, hands down. *everyone lowers their hands* GODDAMN IT!!"

"How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? It's a really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it."

"What's a seal's favorite drink? Canadian Club on the rocks."

"The store sample lady just tried feeding me gluten-free donuts. I may need bail money. I don't remember much. But there's blood everywhere."

"Wife: ""I'm going to bed, honey."" Husband: ""Okay, sweetheart. I'll go get you a tylenol."" Wife: ""But why? I don't have a headache."" Husband: ""Great! Let's fuck."""

"Why doesn't Ed have a girlfriend? Because Sheeran."

"Why is a Mexican midget called a paragraph? Because he isn't a full ese."

"What to Australian Trains use as fuel? Coal-Ala"

"I gave a blind man 10$ He told me he'll pay me back the next time he sees me."

"How do you make a cheeseburger sad? Make it with blue cheese!"