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Joke of the Day

"GF: ""you're so childish"" me: ""it's my day too linda"" [we sit in silence] wedding planner: ""so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?"""

"The gal in front of me on this flight didn't enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment."

"I'm taking my mother-in-law to the new Resident Evil movie because she's staying with me and I love subliminal messages."

"What's the difference between fancy food and military food? Fancy food is delicious, but military food is deliciousir!"

"What do you call a group of killer whales that play instruments? An Orca-stra"

"The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load."

"Someone tweets ""pizza,"" I want pizza. Someone tweets ""donut,"" I want a donut. Someone tweets ""kale,"" I want pizza and a donut."

"My toothpaste says it guarantees whiteness within two weeks.. Yet after two weeks I'm still asian"

"DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance."

"I gave every penny I had to the homeless guy the other day! Now I just have 20 $100 bills in my purse!"