136192

Joke of the Day

"[Putting petrol in car] 19.95 19.96 19.97 [stops] [gently now] 19.98 [very gently] 19.99 [ok, once more] [deep breath] 37.83 GODDAMMIT"

"Showed my husband all the super-awesome Twitter lists I'm on. He put me on a list called People I Probably Shouldn't Have Married."

"I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind."

"[Little bit racist] why do New Zealanders... Have insomnia? Because every time they start counting sheep they get too horny to sleep."

"Tonight I'm going to party like it's 1999 Because back then the worst thing I had to worry about was just a computer glitch destroying civilization."

"What do you call a broken vibrator? A dildon't"

"How many MRAs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Trick question, MRAs never get to screw anything."

"I like my women like I like my whisky. 12 years old and mixed up with coke."

"Sorry, I'm using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket."

"She said she wanted to see other people So I bought a disguise"