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Joke of the Day

"Recently found out my toaster was not waterproof I was shocked."

"Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this"

"Driving with me is like being trapped in a tiny karaoke bar that doesn't serve booze and the worst singer won't get off the stage."

"I taught the kids to sign my name on report cards and detention slips because a good parent knows how to delegate responsibility."

"Police headquarters was broken into last night. All the toilets were stolen. Investigators have nothing to go on."

"I was thinking of taking the cross product of force and distance, ... ... but that's so much work."

"I'm always frank with my sexual partners I don't want them knowing my real name."

"Vagina jokes are not funny, Period"

"How does a Space Marine from Warhammer 40K get fit? By doing Squats."

"Take that seed. Yes that one Burn it. Now crunch it up. More. Now pour this hot water on it. Let me drink that. It's good. Name it ""coffee"""