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Joke of the Day

"Before takeoff our flight attendant asked everyone to turn off their Samsung Galaxy phones You know, the ones with the headphone jack"

"I wish people's voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument."

"Meta - Despite the rumors I am not stepping down as Mod for /r/jokes. Here's why. I wasn't a mod in the first place."

"Humpty Dumpty , that sly bastard Humpty Dumpty sat on his bed, As Little Bo Beep was giving him head, Just as he came she began to weep, She could tell by the taste, He'd been screwing her sheep ! !"

"Jurassic Park I was watching Jurassic park the other day, when I thought, ""not only does my son have a stupid name, but hes also a shit driver"""

"What kind of shoes does Jack Lew wear? Cashews."

"If Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders are on a boat together, and it sinks, who survives? America"

"A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said: ""Fuck off, you won't bring it back."""

"What's the best thing about deadly snakes ? They've got poisonality !"

"""FINISH HIM,"" I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man."