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Joke of the Day

"Jesus: Give them fingernails in case they start itching. God: Alright, but wouldn't it be funny if they couldn't reach their backs?"

"me: ""i re-wrote pulp fiction"" director: ""wow ok"" [reads script] ""this is literally just pulp fiction"" me: ""i didnt say it was different"""

"How many Borderline P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb? Just one. To threaten suicide if you don't change it for him/her."

"People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder."

"What would a Prius minivan be called? Post-us"

"[making small talk at a business function] ""You're 35 aren't you?"" ""No, I'm 38"" ""Oh right"" [long silence] ""Did you used to be 35?"""

"*watches soccer* *watches soccer* *watches soccer* *watches soccer* *has to pee* *watches soccer* *gets up to pee* *misses goal* :/"

"[NSFW]Honey, I bought flavored condoms... - ... switch off the lights and guess the flavor! - Sardines with cheese! - Wait for me to put it on!"

"How many potatoes does it take to kill and Irish man? None"

"What would Dorothy have said if she practiced Yoga instead of new age magical thinking? There's no place like OM."