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Joke of the Day

"[couples therapy] Mrs: he's too handsy, always touching me all over... Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS..."

"Do let me know if you're ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You're welcome :)"

"A guy is about to die Guy: How much time do I have left, doctor? Doctor: 10 Guy: 10 what?! 10 days, 10 months, 10 years? Doctor: 9...8...7...6...5..."

"Half Life 3 lol"

"I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she'd let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?"

"Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word ""bae"" so teens stop thinking it's cool and it goes away forever."

"Do you know why the ""deez nuts"" guy is in prison? He's nuts."

"U.S announces ""Biggest boom in terrorism since 9/11"". ... The prophets are going through the roof."

"Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target."

"I had a dream last night that I was a muffler... I woke up exhausted."