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Joke of the Day

"Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and aliens. Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted."

"Which fairground ride is made of iron? The ferrous wheel"

"Someone just called me materialistic. I felt like choking them with my Vivienne Westwood belt."

"What's thick, black, and over a foot long? My roommate's asian girlfriend's hair clogging the fucking shower drain."

"What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? You can't peanut butter your dick in someone's asshole"

"weekend plans: -solitude -cheese"

"A pedophile and a girl walk into the woods. A pedophile and a girl walk into the woods together. The girl says ""I'm scared. The pedo says ""You're scared? I have to walk out of here alone!"""

"Why is Robert Pattison so pale? There's no sunlight in the closet."

"Did anyone see the lunar eclipse tonight? It was right by 'your anus'."

"Looks like the heavy bag of sirloins fell off the top shelf, landing on the butchers head, and killing him. Looks like the steaks *shades* were too high. YEAAHHHHHHHH!!!!"